Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

My very clever AP Language students had to adopt a persona of their choice and answer this question as part of an assignment on tone and point of view. Their responses were too much fun not to share.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

RAND PAUL

Why are we questioning the chicken’s right to cross the road? Government regulation is the only barrier that prevents the chicken from freely crossing the road. If our nation continues in this direction, our children and grandchildren may instead be asking: why did the chicken get blown up by a hellfire missile?

PRESIDENT OBAMA

Tonight we come together as one nation to contemplate why the chicken crossed the road, and we will not stop until we do so. But today, I ask us all to step back and reflect, and I think you will see that the road itself, like our union is strong.

Because the government built it for him.

MITCH MCCONNELL

It’s simply not my job to create opportunities to evaluate the chicken’s crossing. There are no roads to cross anyway, but we can fix that.

ALISON GRIMES

The chicken has had 30 years to cross the road. If I’m elected, he’ll actually get to the other side.

FBI

We can neither confirm nor deny that the chicken crossed the road.

STEVE JOBS

He saw opportunities and innovators on the other side. He imagined the operating system, task bar, and interface of the future.

MILEY CYRUS

It’s not my responsibility to know why the chicken does what it does. I’m just trying to enjoy being young and I don’t need anybody criticizing me.

“Because he can’t stop. He won’t stop.”

KIM KARDASHIAN

Uhhhh, I’m not sure what you mean, but I have absolutely got to find him! BFFL!

FORREST GUMP

Mama always said, “Life is like a box of chicken. You never know why it’s gonna cross the road.”

BUBBA

Anyway, like I was sayin’, chicken is the fruit of the road. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, sauté it. There’s chicken kabobs, baked chicken, lemon chicken, ginger chicken, chicken soup, chicken stew, chicken salad, chicken sandwich. That’s about it.

DRAX

The chicken would not cross the road. My reflexes are too quick. I would catch it.

WALTER WHITE

I am the one who crosses the road!

MARC ANTONY

He was an honorable chicken.

EDGAR ALLAN POE

The road was calling, cleaving, clawing and so it crossed to return

Nevermore.

JRR TOLKIEN

The chicken embarked on the journey across Middle-Road to find the ostentatious egg from ancient lore. Pain and tears couldn’t keep the feathered soul from its destiny. One egg to rule them all.